A love before life
by Isiodith
Summary: Trinity had her significant one in the Matrix, whom she remembers despite the Oracle's prophecy and Morpheus' searching the One


Disclaimer: Don't own the Matrix and its characters in any way. Just a non-profit fan fic, so no good to sue me.   
My first Matrix story. Second one about Trinity's life, actually, but the first one hasn't been written (considering the time I have, it will probably never get delivered). Anyway, enough said, please R & R.  
  
  
  
  
  
All of a sudden, the coolness of the water became unendurably chilly. I panicked as I found myself in desperate need of fresh air, yet unable to make to the water surface. Shit! My legs were entangled with the waterweeds. I tried to pull myself out, but only struggled in vain. The lack of air had drained all my strength, and I choked. Furiously, I waved my arms for help.  
  
Someone jumped into the water, approaching me. I blindly reached my hands out. The person passed by... The weeds on my ankles now became loose and I was given a push from behind. Next thing I felt was an arm tightly grabbed on my waist, and we started to rise.   
  
"Here!" I heard Dave yelled out, and was dragged toward his boat. Dave pulled me out of the water, and wrapped me into my bath towel. "Thank you, Tom." Dave said, as the person who just saved me came onto the boat and sat besides me. Dave asked how I felt, I didn't answer, just coughed furiously, while feeling the world spinning in my head. Unable to support myself, I leaned against Tom's shoulder. *That was his name, right?*   
  
"You alright?" he asked. I nodded, breathing shortly and heavily after coughing. His voice seemed remote, everything I heard seemed remote, except my heartbeat. And his.   
  
My head hurt, so did my chest, unknown whether it was from the choking or coughing. A while later, I realized that I should thank him, but couldn't speak with my teeth chattering. Tom offered me my jacket, which I declined with a smile. As I had a better look at him, I remembered that he was one of the counselors of the boys' camp.   
  
"Thank God Tom saw you in the water. Imagine if nobody did..." Dave said. Good old Dave. "What would I have done otherwise? My mom? Your parents?"  
  
"As if my parents are going to care." I said weakly. I could image my mother now, in her L.A. downtown office, bossing people around, telling them that none was to go for vacation before all deadlines were met. As of my father, probably in Cuba or Mexico with Maria.   
  
My parents got divorced last year. It was father who moved out first with Maria before their divorce. Then mother took a new job in L.A. shortly after. None wanted my custody, but mother stuck with it. She sent me to this private boarding school near where Aunt Gail lived, and pointed her to be my guardian during her absence. I lived alright without parents. Aunt Gail was nice to me, so was my cousin Dave. So I went to their place for summer holiday. It was my aunt's idea that I should go out instead of hunching over my computer screen day and night. She didn't know that I have gone out in school, since where I went wouldn't please her. Anyway, she decided to let Dave and me come for the camping. Dave enjoyed it, with girls and guys of our age. He called the camp "meet market" for that reason.   
  
***  
  
"Trinity! What's the matter?" asked Apoc, whose question causes me to give out a startle.  
  
"Nothing." I shake my head. I have sunk into my memories again, memories in the Matrix. Yet, here I am, having dinner in the Neb, on our way to Zion, where the crew is going to spend a weeklong holiday.   
  
"C'mon, Trinity! Something's up, you haven't had a bite of your dinner!" It was Mouse.  
  
"Oh? So when was the last time you have a bite of your dinner?" I emphasize "bite" to remind Mouse that slop upon slop doesn't count as bites, which does make him to shut up.   
  
Dozer and Tank are talking excitedly about Zion holiday. Cypher rolls his eyes. Zion never meant much for us Matrix-borns. We hardly know anybody except our crewmembers, whom we see day-in, and day-out on the ship. Maybe a drink or two out with Switch, Apoc and Cypher, that's all. While Dozer and Tank spending time with their family, we will be in the military residence of the city, not unlike my boarding high school. Dozer says that he prefers the Christmas in Zion better, while Tank favors summer. "As if that will make a difference." says Switch cynically. Honestly, how much can seasons affect an underground city? It remains the same all year long, so holiday in Zion never has made an impression to me. Reluctant to admit, but I remember my holiday in Matrix better.   
  
***  
  
Night. Starry sky. Cool summer breeze. Warm camp fire.  
  
Some people were chatting and laughing. Some were dancing. Few walked up to me, but rejected. Dave said, "Cyn, you know? You are the hottest and the coldest girl here." I merely ignored him, got up and left the crowd for a cigaret. It made me feel cool again, despite the crowd and noise.   
  
As I finished, Tom asked me for a dance. I couldn't reject, nor did I want to reject. As I rose, I could sense the envy from both guys and girls, to which I didn't give a damn. It was in my blood, the ability to feel hostility, even the least amount, and meant no harm. We danced, which was a little awkward since I was not used to dance of this kind. So right after the music was over, I suggested to leave with my body language. He followed, didn't let go of my hand.  
  
We walked to a quieter place, and chatted. Well, he did most of the talking, and I hardly spoke besides to thank him for saving me in the water. He told me that he was going to college after the summer, for computer and learnt that I was called a computer geek by Dave. He seemed to be glad that we shared something in common. "So, have you ever heard of the Matrix?" I asked. The first time I asked someone this question face-to-face, in fact, offline. I had intuition that it wasn't a safe question. But I decided to ask anyway. He seemed safe enough. If he knew, it would put an end to the searching that drove me mad; if not, he at least was not going to be dangerous. I laughed at the idea of his being a wonk in my mind: someone who would insist that turning seventeen by the end of the year was too young for a cigaret. We would remain ever so parallel hadn't we met in a situation like today's.  
  
"Matrix? You mean in math?" apparently he didn't know a goddamn thing about it.   
  
"No. I can't explain, because I don't know what it is, no one does. It is a myth, you may say; in fact, it may not even exist." I tried to sound as casual as possible to put the idea off his mind. "It's more likely to be a term made up by someone for a joke." I added to convince him further, but I could hear my voice trembled a little. I couldn't deny the possibility of my saying. The very idea that something I spend my past two years to look for wasn't for real, was just too much for me.   
  
He asked no further question, so we fell into a rather awkward silent. He finally broke it by saying that I was a quiet person. I returned a half-hearted smile. You learnt not to talk much if you knew nobody would pay attention. Parents were never around, and talking to nanny would induce a lengthy speech that I'd rather avoid.   
  
The breeze sent a chill. Tom put one arm around my shoulder, I didn't shrug it off like I would normally. I never felt as comfortable with other guys, about which I could hear Dave sneering "The ones you met in clubs?" in my mind. I enjoyed the moment I would say. The sensation be more precise, just being myself and feeling the presence of a companion.   
  
***  
  
Mouse says loudly, "Hasn't it been dangerous, I rather spend my holiday in the Matrix."   
  
"True, at least the alcohol tastes like alcohol, and the cigaret smokes like cigaret. I kinda miss those." The Matrix-borns laugh in agreement with Apoc. I even let out an absent-minded chuckle and set a few chips on the table. The one hour after dinner is always the consideration hour, where Morpheus will be at the main desk, lets the rest of us kick back with a game of poker or stuff. I naturally press my index and middle fingers on my lips, and inhale deeply, as if I am smoking. A habit when I am relaxed, which I never get rid of for twelve years.  
  
"But you never actually tasted any of those! The Matrix made you think so." Tank argues, and follows with his chips. Nobody minds what he says, about how Switch never worked in a bar, or Cypher never was a drug dealer. He, along with Dozer, has been on the Neb the second longest in today's crew, and screened all of us through his monitor.   
  
So he, Morpheus and Dozer are the only ones on Neb who know my past. I think about Tom when recalling my past. Do they know anything about him? Seems not, or they have never shown. Our personal life in the Matrix never mattered much to the others, even it is known. After all, most of us didn't have an easy life there, and that is how we could survive losing it.   
  
***  
  
"You are going to New York for college?" I tried not to show my surprise and disappointment, but failed to do so.   
  
"Yeah, I just got the offer. I guess someone turned it down, and I was on the waiting list." Tom said, "I wanted to go badly, especially after I thought I had no chance."  
  
I shut up. Fuck! I hate myself for having shown too much emotions and grown attached to someone. It had only been less than a month. Aunt Gail was happy about it, seeing me do "normal things" that all other girls did. She thought the camping really did me good.   
  
"I'll miss you, Cyn." He put a hand on my upper arm, which I took a step back to avoid. A formulated line that disgusted me. I looked away, lifting one corner of my month to give out a wry smile. Secretly, I was blaming myself for foolishness. Yet, he stepped forward, looked into my eyes, and said, "I mean it. The past few weeks have been the best of times for me." His brown eyes shone with sincerity. I blinked, wordless.  
  
He ran his hand through my long dark hair, and pulled me closer. I gazed into his eyes, unable to breathe. I thought I'd better turn my sight away, but for the first time, the body wouldn't listen to the mind. I just thirstily drank in the very image of his face, until... He pressed his lips against mine. I felt blood rushing through my head, so stunning, and yet so beautiful. Nothing in the world seemed to matter anymore, except my kissing back.  
  
***  
  
I sat in Oracle's kitchen. She gave me a cookie just came out of the oven. I took it in my hand without eating, thinking that I would much prefer the cigaret she lit for herself. I was so addicted to it when I felt stressed or not myself. That was exactly how I felt at the moment.  
  
"I know you are Trinity." this grandmotherly figure said, "and you are the first girl I have seen for a long time." I knew she was trying to make me more at home, yet I was still uneasy. I quickly licked my lips. The cigaret, I could smell it in the air, but that wouldn't do.  
  
"Before he freed you, Morpheus thought you might be the One. Then he realized he was wrong. You coped with that better than the two who came before you." she began to get into the important part of what she was about to tell me.   
  
"Because he understood he was wrong before ever tried to convince me I was the One. The other two, he believed in them until they failed." I merely recited what Morpheus had told me. Then, "and after all, I am no others. I am me - Trinity." There is a slight hint of adversity in my voice. I mean no disrespect to the Oracle, just to counter her made me feel firmer. I realized that I was nervous being here, scared even, to have someone telling me about my fate, though I didn't believe in any of these craps.   
  
The Oracle said, "I know you don't believe in fate. That's okay. Most who came didn't the first time. Of course, there are still those who never did." Feeling a bit better, I nodded to acknowledge my attention, as she went on, "Only few girls made into the resistance as a warrior, and you did. There is something different in you, you know it. You like to be in charge of your own life, and if you want something, you will go and get it. But child, how do you know that it is not part of your fate to go and get it?"  
  
"Well, I guess I don't then?" I pretended to be light-hearted to hide the embarrassment of the weak respond and not knowing how else to answer her. I merely let her take my right hand to read, did not protest, nor volunteer.  
  
She smiled, "You have your part in the resistance. Sooner or later, Morpheus will depend on you. He knows he can trust you with your talent and good heart. And you, even not being the One, will feel as close to the One as nobody else can. You will fall in love, and the man you love will be the One."  
  
I had prepared for good news and bad before I came to see the Oracle, but it was nothing close to what she had told me. Love? I didn't know how I should react. I thought of Tom somehow, though I wasn't sure if it was ever love. At least, I tried hard to deny it. I didn't know what it was, just some electrical signals interpreted by my brain. I had never met him, never touched him... Nonetheless, that had been the best feeling I had ever had in life.  
  
"I know you don't believe in love either, hon. You will have a hard time ahead of you for that matter." she shook her head a little, seemed to think how hopeless I was, then said, "You think you can't love because of your loss, the loss of sixteen years of your life and more. You think love means vulnerability, something not allowed in a soldier. But, love is no weak spot, you know, only the fear of love is. Well, I can't tell you about it, it's something you have to feel yourself. You will know you are in love once you feel it."  
  
She ended the conversation, and I walked out of the apartment feeling the world around me was surreal. Well, it was, in the Matrix...  
  
***  
  
I answered the door, as the only person in the house for that afternoon. Dave, God knew where he had gone, a wild creature. To my surprise Tom was outside the door. I let him in, then turned to him, and raised my eyebrows in question.  
  
"Er... I am leaving tomorrow. Remember?" he asked gingerly. I nodded. In fact I didn't remember, I tried so hard to forget about him, cut off the bound between the two of us. He continued, "So I thought I'd give you a call, but the line was busy."  
  
Of course it was, I had just spent hours searching for my answer about the Matrix. I recently confirmed the existence of Morpheus. He was not just a name, a legend, but the key to my question. I went to every possible place I thought I might find him, asking other hackers, but nobody had a fucking clue. What were hackers for? All they talked about was how impossible the IRS Kansas City D-Base was to break in. Expectedly, the search ended in failure.   
  
Due to boredom, I hacked into IRS D-Base. In a way, I wished to gain some sense of accomplishment after all the frustration, and it was so much easier. I knew they had this anti-hacking alarm system, yet it was there to my advantage. To counterhack, the security system was made super sensitive. It alerted on both hackers and someone who just made a few illegal operations to see what was left behind. The latter one was more frequent, so the security administrators now ignored basically all alerts from the system. I did whatever I wanted with their knowledge but not their awareness.  
  
I invited Tom into the living room. He sat into the sofa, expecting me to join him at his side. I hesitated, then settled myself into one of the clubchairs a little distance from him. I felt restless sitting there, as if millions of thoughts jumped in my mind, yet I couldn't get hold of any.  
  
We talked about nothing in particular, nothing of importance and relevance. Both knew too well to avoid one topic - his going to New York. As of my returning to school, I left him my email and phone number in school. He held the slip of paper, looking at it for a long time, until he finally said, "Would you come to visit me in New York? I want you to be part of my life wherever I am."  
  
I had no idea how to respond to it. I knew I wanted to say "Yes", but that required something I wasn't ready for - commitment. I pretended to be deep in thoughts, and didn't hear him. There was a feeling as if my heart had be tugged and torn into pieces.   
  
He waited, so did I, acting as if I had sunk into my own inner world. Well, I had. Gingerly, he reached out and lightly squeezed my hand. I faked a coming-back-to-focus startle, and asked him, "What?"   
  
"Nothing." he answered. I could see from his eyes that he was disappointed. My reaction had discouraged him to repeat his words again, which for me was a relief, but not without regret. To fill in the blank that followed, I stood up, and asked if he wanted a drink, to which his reply was "Whatever you will have."   
  
I got two glasses of tonic water, and a bottle of gin belonged to Aunt Gail, then offered Tom the water. Knowing he wouldn't want the gin, I only added it to my own glass, hoping the alcohol would help me to calm my nerve, as I felt disconcerted totally. An unknown anger grew in me and I blamed myself for my weak will and indecisiveness.   
  
Seeing me drinking my Gin and Tonic, he said, "You should stop drinking and smoking, you know, especially once you are on your own back to school. The stuff is not good for you."  
  
"Who the fuck do you think you are interfering with my personal life?" My anger burst. Upon my words, his eyes widened, jaw dropped. He was obviously shocked by what I had just said, so was I. I immediately regretted, seeing hurt and disbelief fill his eyes. I parted my lips, wanted to apologize, but couldn't work out the nerve to admit that I was wrong. I shut my lips tight, stood there, stoned, uncertain how to respond.   
  
He fixed his eyes on my face, trying hard to find a slight trace of expression. *Say something, anything, as long as give me a chance to speak to you.* I was nervously and guiltily expecting him to break the silence, yet made sure myself looking proud and stoic.   
  
Few seconds passed, which seemed to be a life time to me. He gave up, dropped his eyes from my unemotional face. As he turned away and threw the door open, I felt this void in my chest - the emptiness as if my heart had been take away from it. I closed my eyes, not to look at him walking out and disappearing into the world beyond mine. I didn't feel the tear running on my face for a long time.  
  
Since, I never heard from him. I never knew whether I should have, because I was freed from the Matrix that very night. Morpheus told me afterward that he wanted to watch me a little longer, due to the possibility that I was the One. Yet, my hacking into IRS Kansas City D-Base left them with no choice. If I was caught by the Agents first, I would be dead before I could finish saying "Matrix".  
  
***  
  
"They are just chips. You're welcome to take some more from the box." Switch says when Mouse tidies up his cards, and complains his bad luck.   
  
"We should bet on something other than these plastic chips." suggested by Apoc, "Otherwise nobody gives a damn to who wins or loses."  
  
"How about midnight watch shift?" Cypher asks.  
  
"No! No shift change allowed without authorization. We can't have anyone exhausted from overloaded shift, that may put the rest of the crew in danger as well." I reply firmly.   
  
Tank stands up and says, "Mentioning shift, I should go to relieve Morpheus now. See you guys later."  
  
I turned to him, "Tank, I said that I would take your shift, remember?" Then realize that my command about no overload shift might have made him to think that I have changed my mind. I assure him, "I will be on watch tonight. You can make it up to me after holiday's over." Then, he smiles back in gratitude.   
  
As I approach the main desk, I hear Morpheus calling out, "Trinity?" He can tell us by our footsteps. The light ones belong to Mouse, and the slow ones Tank and Dozer. Cypher walks quietly, even a little sneaky in a way. Apoc's are normally firm, Switch's fast, while mine somewhere in between. So I answer.  
  
"I thought it should be Tank's turn." he says with a voice heavier than usual.   
  
"Yeah. I changed with him. He is so looking forward to tomorrow, so he and Dozer can spend time with their family ." I move the chair next to him a little and seat myself into in, "You know Zion for me is... just Zion." I carefully choose my words, which turn out to sound funny, but he doesn't seem to notice.   
  
I turned to him. To my astonishment, he is in tear. "What's the matter, Morpheus?" Never in my twelve years on Neb have I seen this strong man shed out a single drop of tear - the man who is a god in the Matrix and a father to us all in the Neb.  
  
"I found him, Trin. We found him! Good you are here, I was about to tell you first. See, here he is, the One." There is this humongous amount of joy in him. His face glows, and eyes shine with tears pouring out again. He is laughing.  
  
I am affected, but only by Morpheus' sincerity. He has thought he found the One five times before, none of whom worked out. I don't know if I should trust this one this time. "How can you be so sure?" I ask cautiously, because he seemed lost after the previous five failures, and has hardly mentioned the One to us ever since, though we all know he never stops searching.  
  
"I just know it, couldn't be surer! There is this inspiration from him. I feel empowered all of a sudden, as if there is this charge running through my entire body." his voice trembles. If one of us has to remain cool in this situation, that will be me. He's believing that he will find the One so earnestly, faithfully, and blindly.  
  
The Oracle's prophecy comes back to me. The longer I stay in the Resistance, the better I know that her words are not to be taken lightly. Nevertheless, it hasn't be fulfilled. The first time I met this one person who Morpheus thought was the One, I believed, simply because I believed in Morpheus. So I thought that the Oracle might have been wrong about my falling in love with the One. Yet, it turned out that Morpheus was mistaken. Still, Love is definitely an emotional luxury for us who don't know when the war is going to end, if it ever will and whether we will still be alive the next day. It just seems so unreal, and remote. As remote as the idea of the One. "So what's his name?" I ask.  
  
"Neo!"  
  
"Neo?" I nod. Someone who is insanely searching for Morpheus. We recently started to consider him a potential, yet far from the point of final decision still. We haven't been successful with potentials lately. Among the few we kept a close watch and attempted to free: one was bugged by Agents whom we had to give up; one chose the blue pill; one collapsed after knowing the truth, so we sent her to Zion for civil jobs.   
  
Morpheus punches a few command to display his profile. I carefully read through. An excellent hacker for sure, can use computer not like a tool, but part of himself. But after having seen all the best hackers, in and out of the Matrix, there isn't much to make him exceptionally stand out.   
  
Suddenly, something catches my eyes. I stare at the display of his Matrix name, and hold my breath. Then, quietly scream out "Thomas A. Anderson", unaware of the fact my voice is shaky.   
  
"Yes. So he's known by." Morpheus replies, "Trin, I don't want the others to know this yet, but I want you to keep a close watch on him. Got it?" I, unable to concentrate, can't quite follow what he has said. My mind is floating in the sea of thoughts...  
  
***  
  
Getting off the bus, I complained to Dave lazily, "I am fricking tired already from the bus ride. What the heck am I here for?"   
  
Dave, pretending to choke, said, "Like everyone else here, camping! See the girls over there? Why can't you be 'normal' like that?" He accentuated "normal" jokingly.  
  
"Oh, Shut up! Is that how you define normal? I am so damn grateful I'm not then." I glanced over the bunch of excited girls. They were giggling so hardly, busy looking and commenting on the guys.  
  
"See that one? He is one of the counselors for the boys' camp. Cute, isn't he?" said one, pointing to a brunet boy. He was little taller than me, I reckoned. Slim, pale skin, brown eyes, and clean-looking yet thin face.  
  
"What's his name?" asked another, curiously interested.  
  
"Tom!" said the first girl, seemed quite content with knowing it, "Thomas Anderson."  
  
  
  
  
  
Voila! A little childish I myself feel. Just written for the idea that Neo means a lot to Trinity even in her pre-Neb life, since she won't love him just because of the Oracle's prophecy. As of why Neo never realize it, just think that he has forgot all this after 12 years of dramatic life (vs. Trinity's alienated one), or even he does remember, it is hard for him to relate that angry, rebellious girl to this strong, rather stoic Trinity he knows now. 


End file.
